When Your Marriage Seems Hopeless

There's so much talk these days about marriage. Mostly about preserving God's original design for marriage which is one man and one woman united forever. I don't get super involved in all of it because while I truly believe in God's design for marriage I also see what's going on around us. Marriages - many, many marriages, are dying. Some end in divorce while others just continue to live in the same home for various reasons but don't display to the world any kind of unity or harmony. TV shows make men look like idiots and women are objects to be consumed while children are rights/possessions who, of course, take over the household when they become "tweens". Society is a mess. So to me upholding marriage between one man and one woman starts in our homes, in my home.

For as long as I've been married (which is 27 years in October) I've poured over marriage books, retreats, talks, cd's, podcasts, etc trying to find ways to enrich my marriage. Just like I studied throughout college and read books about pregnancy and childrearing (and later homeschooling) I wanted to read about marriage so that I could be the best wife I could possibly be. Many of those resources fell flat for one reason or another. Some weren't a good fit. Some I didn't want to do so I didn't (and maybe should have). But I don't regret a single one because I know that all things work together for good for those who love God and follow in His ways (Romans 8:28).

The truth is for many of those early years I wasn't following in His ways. I've talked about that before, I know. But in the years that I finally decided to (slowly) surrender to Him I know every part of what I learned played a role in where Jesse and I are today.

I write this now as a person that has been completely broken, who has been deceived and who has deceived. I write this as a person that needs to pray for humility daily (many times a day) and who needs to recite scripture, turn to God every minute, and remember that just as Jesse can be annoying (sorry, Jesse) so.can.I.

There was a point in these 27 years that I for real thought we were done. I mean I wasn't sure we would actually consider divorce because of the kids and my promise to God but I really thought we would become those people that live in the same home and attend the same events but lead very separate lives. At that point I cleared the book shelves of marriage books. I tossed away the emails about how to pray for my husband and I scoffed at marriage retreats, talks, and podcasts. I prayed all the time for Jesus to let me see Jesse as He does and He granted me that desire on many levels but I wasn't ready to let go of things in the past and stop holding them in Jesse's face every time he forgot to take out the trash. Just as St. Augustine is quoted as saying "Lord make me pure but not yet" I wanted Jesus to help me forgive, heal, and move on but "not yet". I was gaining something by bringing up things from the past. Perhaps it was a way to blow myself up and make myself seem innocent or maybe I wanted to be the victim. But either way it didn't do for Jesse what I, as his wife, am called to do and that's to build him up, not tear him down. Is he perfect? Nope. Has he offended me greatly in the past? Yes. Have I done the same? Yes. Because that's how marriage works. That's how relationships work.